The Alchemist Diaries

“I never painted dreams. I painted my own reality.” ― Frida Kahlo

Other than the brutal ice of the December cold, my own mind has been chilled, often wishing I existed in an alternate timeline. I drown the realities out with work and alcohol, and exist daily in a purgatory of action and denial. It occurred to me that I could do with a lot less distraction, and a lot more art.

Creating any art has been a challenge as of late because I keep obsessively reading and watching current events about the next climate catastrophe, the next mass shooting, the next Epstein File cover-up, ICE kidnappings, AI’s “New Social World Order, and pretty much everything the American president does.

In the midst of our very real and unprecedented reality, I am forced to also face the “New Social World Order” revolutionizing in my own mind. Whatever societal norms and expectations I was raised to respect, I am now forced to confront: is life just a career, house, spouse, and children? Am I condemned to wage slavery? Is my homeland part of a darker vision for world peace that looks more like surveillance and violence? Is anything real at all with AI mediocrity replacing valuable human voices on an exponential level? What is my new purpose among the uncertainty?

All of these existential questions kept me paralyzed into continuing business as usual: work, knitting, and alcohol. Knitting was the healthier of the options, until my fingers burned with cramps and joint stiffness. For a while, it was as though my existence meant nothing (not in a suicidal sense); it was as though I was being artificially suppressed into sheepishness that admittedly was comfortable and felt safe for a moment, but eventually―like the emerald curtain in The Wizard of Oz ―reality is revealed and we have to face its rawness.

Here is the interesting revelation: Reality is now the preference.

I can do with a lot less AI slop, advertisements, notifications, comment bots, endless content, and everything else meant to split my attention from the air, trees, and animals before me. I haven’t yet broken from the grasp of the attention-seeking economy, however, I feel close, as I look forward to the quiet weekends and precious moments when the only sounds I can hear are my own breath and the purr of a cat.

On this quiet day after work, I am thankful for the snow― how it drowns out the noise as though rushing through the world to start a brand new canvas for the spring to come.

In the quietness I seek, I ironically also found another artist online who goes by the name Way Walker. He has a video titled How to Believe in Your Own Art, Music, and Writing. It single-handedly put the zest back into my creative purgatory by helping me see art not through the corporate lenses we are forced to view it through, but through an abstract portal that pierced me deeply.

Walker says something that inspired me to create with a different purpose in mind. He says, “Success is not about external validation, it’s about internal transformation.” It is about the constant metamorphosis of ourselves and those around us. His entire video is what I needed to see, because I always felt paralyzed with indecision, inaction, and excuses. Thinking about art as a form of mental and social transformation rather than monetary success is a great step toward unlocking our potential.

As someone who struggles to have belief in her own art, I want to thank him for creating this precious video. I really needed to hear this take on art beyond endless grinding and exhaustion. I come from a family of artists, musicians, and writers, and I’ve watched many of them slow down with their craft because they did not obtain society’s definition of success. Yet, “success” is subjective, and there is much more to art than capitalistic value.

We could all do with less distraction.